This Drifting Excrement Was Way Too Symbolic! These Are the Television Disappointments of the Year.

As we consider the television landscape of the past year, a handful of shows stand out not for their brilliance, but for their spectacular failures. From awkward sequels to bafflingly bad documentaries, here are the programmes that left us utterly bewildered or simply reaching for the remote.

And Just Like That

How to start with this divisive spin-off? Plagued with dreadful writing, cringe-inducing character development (justice for Miranda!), and a mere 71 seconds of fan-favourite Samantha, the series fought to find its footing. For a moment, as the final series started, it looked like it had at last found its groove. Then came an episode centered on Seema’s natural deodorant. Little surprise the showrunner declared this would be the final series. It concluded on a bum note; the closeup of Miranda’s toilet flooded with poo was just way too on-the-nose. Yet, fans undeniably had a hoot dissecting every single “what on earth?” episode. And as Carrie – once again single – twirled around her sprawling townhouse to Barry White, who couldn't let out a small sob?

The Kim Kardashian Drama

‘Can Kim Kardashian act? The answer is a resounding no.’

But that was almost the least of this show's problems. The subject of a exceedingly uncommon zero star assessment, it was difficult to know where to begin enumerating the problems. The laughably leaden dialogue? The mind-numbing glorification of wealth and consumption? The almost wilful parade of tropes? Performances so poor they felt almost spiteful? Suffice it to say “each and every one” and never speak of this series again. Except, a new season has been commissioned, so we’re probably going to have to.

AKA Charlie Sheen

Given the restraining orders, abuse allegations and parental failures, it’s fair to say Charlie Sheen has been a troubled figure. Not you’d truly have gleaned it from this multi-part documentary which chuckled along at Sheen’s various bouts of reckless excess while failing to tell us anything we didn’t already know. Instead, it felt as if this loose cannon was being pandered to, so any sympathy this series might induce should be reserved for the people who have had to suffer close contact with this charismatic but flippant egotist.

The Supercomputer Drama

Of course we understood it was ridiculous from the get-go: a drama about a AI known as Charlie Big Potatoes that could either solve global crises – or annihilate all of humanity. We persevered out of sheer love for its leads … but by the end, it felt like even they had stopped bothering. One scarcely cared when his character died, and the other ultimately slicing Charlie with an axe … in painfully slow-motion. Talk about admitting defeat.

MobLand

Shady figures meeting in empty boxing gyms? The Prodigy’s Firestarter blaring in club scenes? The late 90s called and wants its crime drama back.

Actually, that is unfair on the gangland dramas of the late 90s. Many seem a bit old-fashioned now, but at least they didn’t endure the ignominy of having to indulge unconvincing dialects. But there were plenty of other issues. Primarily that it was just profoundly dull; a conflict over narcotics territory between various London rogues which felt a bit basic.

The Meghan Markle Series

Considering the degree to which she provokes the ire of the nation’s ostentatiously angry commentators, it’s temptingly easy to admire the Duchess of Sussex’s televised forays into twee homemaking as deliberate provocations. But then you watch them and are compelled to admit that actually, they may have a point. It’s like watching a homeware magazine come to life; a meme for evening drinks with ideas of grandeur; a parade of snoozing dogs, humming beehives, Hallmark sayings and forgettable crafting “tips” you’ll not remember instantly. All underpinned by immense, largely undeserved wealth. Ugh.

The Beckham Documentary

There are clearly interesting things to be discussed about both Victoria Beckham and her journey with career, identity, self-worth. But for whatever reason, this documentary series chose not to explore them. Instead, the viewing was like consuming a marketing catalogue. She clearly has every right to resent what she describes as her “miserable cow” image. But unfortunately, she failed to do herself any helps with this guarded non-event of a series.

The Game Show

It had the potential to be the next big hit – except even camper, with a famous star playing dead and a sharp-tongued personality overseeing her estate. What more could you want? As players competed, there was plenty of betrayal and arguing. But the rules quickly became bewildering: it’s still too confusing to detail what precisely was happening. Even more regrettably, we only saw glimpses of the star via prerecorded videos. The show ended up reeking of a production that was trying way too hard to live up to something far greater than it.

The Lena Dunham Romcom

How does one follow a show that defined a generation? The expectation was immense for this glitzy romcom about Jessica, a rosy-eyed New Yorker who arrives in London with a broken heart. The lead actress seized the opportunity by the horns and was joyous to watch, reveling in Austen levels of romantic notions. But it was all very glossy and, paradoxically, was not enough. Plus, the abundance of famous cameos involved felt uncomfortable.

The Sketch Show Return

Not even good enough to be ‘patchy’.

Given the shrewd inclusion of talented younger comics, expectations were high. But sadly, most of it fell flat. A particular sketch was a single joke milked to a husk but repeated in every episode. One star seemed too ready to slip into a well-known irate mode. The writing room sketches, in contrast, simply inspired the idea that they should probably have remained in there a bit longer.

The Twisted Tale of Amanda Knox

This dramatisation of the story of Amanda Knox was overseen by Amanda Knox and pretty much solely presented the viewpoint of Amanda Knox. So, while there undoubtedly is an compelling drama to be made about the horrific 2007 murder, this isn’t it. The material needed to be treated sensitively. Rather, the series laboured awkwardly to find the right tone, lumbering from oddly jaunty, somewhat mannered farce to inevitably, real-life horror. Complex? Arguably. A complete mess? Very much so.

Prime Target

We admire the lead actor … but did we believe him playing the greatest maths genius in history, a man so smart he’s on the verge of a breakthrough that could destabilise society? Nope! This international thriller about government agencies targeting – and killing off – intellectuals frankly got more farcical by the second. Silliness-by-numbers.

1000 Men and Me: The Bonnie Blue Story

This hagiography followed the online personality renowned for explicit escapades as she prepared for her biggest feat yet. What on earth would motivate her? What we craved was far greater examination of her actual psychology, plus those of the men in the line. They could at least have interviewed the legendary mum who showed up to drag her son away from the queue. What we got was disturbing shots and zero interrogation of her notoriety whatsoever. And to think, the documentary-maker has a teenage daughter too.